My Life in the Chamber
by BMT and SuperMoose
Summary: Ever wonder what the basilisk thought about the whole Chamber of Secrets thing? By BlackMarketTrombones.


Disclaimer: I am Jo Rowling, supreme Overlord of the Potterverse and all of its inhabitants! Bow down before me! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (If you believed even half of this, you have some serious gullibility issues.)

Hey, I'm the basilisk, and I'm probably the unluckiest creature you've ever met. I'd introduce myself properly, but that's impossible because I don't have a name. Everyone just calls me "the basilisk". It's pretty insulting, actually. I mean, it isn't every day that you meet a legendary beast that's supposedly extinct, but do they give me a name? _No_. Just one, Hey, look at the basilisk, and back to business as usual. I don't guess it's _too_ bad, though. At least I'm not just _a_ basilisk. But, here I am, going off onto an irrelevant tangent when I should be telling you my story, as it happened to me.

I was born, as you've probably guessed, from a chicken's egg hatched beneath a toad. Sometimes I wonder why a rooster's crow is fatal to us basilisks. It really doesn't make any sense; I mean, roosters help hens lay eggs, and basilisks are born from eggs, right? A rooster is practically my _grandfather_, for Pete's sake! But, I'm getting irrelevant again. I need to stop doing that.

Well, I'd barely been hanging around for four decades when some freaky monkey-ish old guy decides to come grab me and throw me in some dark cavern. Of course, I didn't plan on _staying_ there; it was cold and wet and just all around unpleasant. As soon as old baboon face had left, I started slithering around, looking for a way out. Much to my dismay, I found that there was no way out, except, of course, for the way I'd come in, and I couldn't get back up that accursed tube no matter how hard I tried. I was simply not big or strong enough to climb that far up. Plus, there was that thing monkey head said to me before leaving. Something about not being able to leave unless upon the orders of his heir.

Well, I waited in that unpleasantly damp Chamber for _ages_. There was nothing for me to eat except for some bony (and rather stupid) rats. Just when I was beginning to give up hope that I'd ever get a decent meal, something interesting happened. A _boy_ came! If I had had legs, I probably would have danced for joy, but luck _still_ was not with me. I was just about to crush the little pipsqueak when I noticed the strangest thing. Though we were both staring each other straight in the eye, he was still alive! I was so startled that I paused for a moment. An ill-fated moment, as it turned out, because it gave him a chance to speak, and the moment the first words left his mouth, I knew I'd do whatever he told me to.

The boy or, as I was forced to call him, _Master_, gave me a number of tasks to do, none of which, I suspected, were even remotely legal. Surprisingly, I was able to climb through the tunnel. My size and strength must have increased since the last time I tried. I was mostly sent to take someone out, but I even failed at _that_. The saddest thing is that the one time I actually managed to kill someone, I wasn't even allowed to eat her.

It's not like I did any of those things because I _wanted_ to. No, if it had been up to _me_, I'd have _long_ since abandoned that thrice-accursed place. But, no, I had to spend all of my waking hours playing errand-snake for some bratty little _kid_. Finally, there came a time when Master stopped coming. At first, I was sure it had to be some sort of trick. Why would he just _leave_? But, as the years became decades, I finally accepted that he was gone for good. How wrong I was.

Of course, now I was no better off then I had been before he came. I tried to escape up the tunnel, but found that I was unable to. That was probably the fault of monkey head; I cursed the day he ever captured me. Sometimes I wish I had put up a better fight against him. At least then I wouldn't be able to blame myself for getting captured, but, no, I hadn't thought there was a point to struggling. I thought I'd always be able to escape later… _Gads_, I'm doing it _again_!

Anyway, just a few months ago, the worst thing that could have possibly happened to me happened to me. Master returned.

I didn't know it was him at first. I mean, he was a _girl_, and wipe that stupid expression off your face; you know exactly what I mean. Once again, I was on the verge of crushing him (or should I say her?) when he (she) spoke, and, as soon as he (she) did, I was completely under his (her) control.

I haven't done much of anything for a while. I had a few failed attacks a couple of months earlier and another about a week ago. Nobody suspects me. Of course, I'm not sure anyone really knows about me, so that may not be entirely because of my prowess in stealth. There's actually one kid who everyone suspects. It's really a bit funny how he always ends where my attacks took place. When I was slithering around the building, I heard some of the kids telling each other exactly why everything that had happened was his fault. I nearly laughed, which would _definitely_ have attracted their attention; a laughing basilisk is not something that can go unnoticed all that easily, and… Wait. Never mind. Anyway, they probably said his name sometime during their conversation, but I forgot. Anyways, I've taken to calling him four-eyes because that's how many he seems to have.

Master's just come in, both of them. The guy seems to have the holding the girl hostage. Don't ask me why, I've _long_ since stopped trying to figure out why humans do what they do. I thought the girl died and tried to eat her, but the guy stopped me, and now I'm stuck in the statue of monkey head.

Master monologued for a while and is calling me out again. I wish he'd make up his mind, I was just getting comfortable. Surprisingly, four-eyes is out there too. Deciding to go for the grand effect, I flung myself onto the ground and reared up, hissing furiously. Irksomely, four-eyes isn't staring at me in awe. He's running away! A moment later, Master hissed at me to kill him, and I realized that must be why. Sighing in exasperation, I slithered after him. Maybe I can eat him once he's dead.

_Egad_, something's attacking me! _Me_! I reared up to face my adversary, but there's only a red bird. Suddenly, it swooped at me. I'm not moving. Maybe if I sit still long enough, I can catch it as it flies past.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOHHH, THE PAIN!!! THE TERRIBLE HORRIBLE BURNINGLY FIERY PAIN!!! EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE IS FILLED WITH AGONY!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL KILLER EYES!!! THEY'VE BEEN GOUGED OUT!!! CURSE THAT BIRD!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU STUPID FEATHERED RODENT!!! AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

"KILL THE BOY!" I can hear master shouting.

"I DON'T WANT TO KILL FOUR-EYES!!!!" I shout right back. "I WANT TO KILL THAT ACCURSED BIRD!!!!!" But I can feel the magic working. I turn to where four-eyes should be. The sooner I get him out of the way, the sooner I can get back to that _bird_. I dive and miss. I strike again. Four-eyes is so desperate, he's waving a stick at me. To bad it's not going to help him.

Crud, that isn't a stick.

MORAL: Never mistake a long pointy sword for a short dull stick.

A/N: What do you think? Love it? Hate it? Want to burn it? Did it cause you to hurl your computer out the window in disgust (not that you'd be reading this if it did)? This is the first fan fic I ever wrote. I was in seventh grade then. Ah, the memories. I'd love to hear what you think of it, so drop a review if you can. I don't mind flames, but keep in mind that I don't chat and will have no idea what you're saying if you just type a confused jumble of letters and numbers.

-BlackMarketTrombones


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